Dinophilia III:Return of the Raptor
by Evil-Sme-Schizo-Pip
Summary: It's back, more oddness for all! Who knows, this one might even contain a storyline!
1. Moustaches & Offers

DINOPHILIA III : RETURN OF THE RAPTOR

**Yes, people, I am back, but only for today! Are you ready? After just seeing all three JPS, I'm ready to go.**

SIlence filled the room. Patrick expressed his confusion by howling and humping Spotty's leg.

Sparky stood, open mouthed, a single tear pouring down his sweet, scaly face.

"He loved me?"

No one seemed to be paying Ellie's mess of a body any attention, so Doc Thorne took that moment to taste the blood of a woman.

"Mmm, good!"

Several years later, Alan was rung up by someone who was obviously using a fake voice, and he could even sense a fake moustache over the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Hello, I am a Mr. Blobhead, and I want to hire you to, erm, to show me around the island with all the dinosaurs on so I can plan where to, er, plant my, er, orchids.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes?"

"Sure, but only if I get a free job as a traffic salesman."

"What?"

"I don't know."

"Ok, meet me at Heathrow Airport in 2 days."

"I'm confused."

"BYE!"

He hung up.

"Wow, I shouldn't be so trusting."

**Don't worry folks, I'm just as confused as you are. Happy puzzling!**


	2. Budgies & Airports

Chapter 2 

Alan walked into Heathrow airport almost as confused as his beloved readers/reviewers. He spied a man with a fake moustache in the corner and instantly knew it was the man on the phone, as he was holding a sign saying-ALAN GRANT!

Alan grabbed Billy and went over to him.

I must tell you about Billy. In the years following Ellie's death and Alan's cowardly running away from the awkward situation, Alan had invested in a budgerigar. But no ordinary budgie! This was Billy, the all-talking, all-biting budgie. He was Alan's only friend and accomplice, and the only one bringing in any dough as Alan had found palaeontology to pay next to nothing after he developed a fear of dinosaurs.

"I still think this is a bad idea Alan. I'm going to be late for work at the pet shop." Billy wiped the dust off his wings and flew onto Mr. Blob head's blob head. Alan followed.

"Mr. Grant. You came. We must now catch a helicopter from Edinburgh."

"But, we're in an airport! IN London! How the hell are we going to get there?"

"Erm, we may have to pick up some people on the way." Although Mr. Blob head wore dark glasses, Alan could sense his shifty eyes.

"This is sounding strangely familiar. Like that film I was in with all the helicopters."

"NO! I mean, no. This is not a spoof of…_that_ film…however much it seems like it."

"Alan you are not going anywhere." Said Billy, ever the voice of reason, although coming from a beak. "Youre scared of dinos remember?"

"WHAT? YOU? SCARED? OF? DINOSAURS?" Blobhead was fairly shocked.

"I had a, erm, bad experience with them."

"Hmmm, is that something to do with you waking up screaming Sporky?" billy mused.

"Sporky? Don't you mean Sparky?" said blobhead.

"How do you know?" said Alan, confused.

Blobhead looked shifier than ever. "I, erm, don't."

And off they went to Edinburgh.

**Cor blimey guvnor, I couldn't not know what was gonna happen less. But I spose that's the beauty of my stories. Ha…**

**Just a note, billy the budgie is in tribute to my late budgie, billy. May he rest in peace at the ripe old age of 13. he was a trooper. And a little bugger. But he was MY little bugger…sniff**


	3. Nashes & Crashes

Chapter 3 

In Edinburgh, they met up with a mathematician called John Nash, and as I've forgotten the reason they decided to go to Edinburgh, I'll just say they took off in a shiny helicopter.

One read through of chapters 1 and 2 later, the helicopter was soaring round an island that looked suspiciously like Great Britain.

"Hey, why are we here, when we were there like two minutes ago." alan asked, confused.

"Because I'm scared of planes." Said blobhead, which cleared NOTHING up.

Nash was the pilot, even though he didn't know what he was doing, and inevitably, they crashed.

"Ow." Was the general feeling.

Alan was getting too old for this. He grabbed Billy, and jumped out of the wreckage. He saw Nash had disappeared, but his leg hadn't. Alan thought how careless it was of him to leave a leg behind. Billy and Alan stepped onto the pavement when they saw…

"Oh. My. Gawd." Alan gasped and wet himself. They were back outside the Science Museum, which by the way, was still overrun with dinosaurs.

There would have been a familiar figure running towards them, if I didn't just realise that figure is dead, so instead BlobHead crept up behind them and shouted:

"SURPRISE!"

"Argh!" screamed Alan, and fell off his feet. Once he had put them back on, he rounded on BlobHead, veeeery angry. "I thought we were going to an unchartered island full of very far away dinosaurs! I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT ORCHIDS!"

"Orchids? You actually believed that story? Alan, don't you recognise me?"

Alan stared, blankly. However, Billy, who was quick on the uptake, and had seen maaaaany pictures and videos of Alan's previous adventures with certain people, knew exactly who it was.

"Oh dear lord…" and he grabbed Alan and ran.

Slash flew.


	4. Craziness & More Craziness

**Chapter 4**

"Argh, Alan, we've got to get out of here before we run into more dinosaur-related trouble." Billy puffed, his wings flapping crazily. After all, he was only a budgie, carrying a full grown man.

Alan was thinking.

"I'm thinking, Billy. I think we should go back. I want to find out who that BlobHead was."

"Nay Alan!" Billy dropped Alan, who said "grrr!"

"Alan, we can't, I have work to do."

"You work in a pet shop! You're one of those birds they keep in to talk to customers so they buy other birds."

"BUT I DO IT SO WELL!" Billy wailed, remembering the vast amount of people who go 'ooooh' at him.

Alan started to walk back (they had only gone 3 metres) but couldn't find BlobHead. However he did come across a moustache building kit.

"Gasp! He didn't REALLY have a moustache…"

"Well, duh." Billy slapped a wing to his forehead, thus breaking something, because wings don't bend that way! (I tried)

"But it was so full, and thick…should I grow a moustache?"

"No, Alan, you are not growing a moustache, you have a beautiful head of balding hair. Do what you want to do, and let's go."

"Curses." And forgetting his fear of dinosaurs, and the inability for anyone to actually clear up the infestation of dinosaurs, he ran into the Visitor Centre, came across a dinosaur, and fainted.

"Curses." Said Billy, and flew after him, only to see the same dinosaur, screech, and flew up, just missing the dinosaurs head.

The dinosaur, confused, scratched his head, shrugged, and carried on reading his book 'The Complete Guide to Owning a Human'.

Billy screeched again. "Can you tell me where people are?"

The dinosaur looked at the budgie, ever more confused. "No."

Billy karate chopped, and the dinosaur died instantly.

"Excellent, my karate lessons _were _worth the left side of Alan's brain."

**_Note: Sorry dudes and dudettes, I am recently having a Ralph Fiennes obsession so in 12 days I wrote another story, Harry Potter related. But I finished that an houra go so I'll be trying to write this one. I think I'm losing it. My mind that is hahaha. tumbleweed yes._**


	5. Carrs & Plotholes

Chapter 5

Billy hovered for a while, then pecked Alan's open eyeballs until he woke up.

"GAH?" Alan rubbed his bleeding eyes. "Where am I?"

"Oh we're not getting into that again." Billy sat on Alan's shoulder and instructed him to walk into the next room. There, a man sat slumped over a table, a bottle of whisky in his hands, groaning.

"Sorry to disturb you, old chap, but we're looking for, erm, " Billy then realised there WAS no storyline to follow anymore.

"Sparky, we want sparky!" Alan sulked.

"Ah, yes, sparky. That will do nicely. Have you seen any raptors?"

The man gulped and fell off his chair. The word 'raptor' had frightened him.

"Er…I dunno…dear Jebus is that Alan Grant?" the bedraggled man stood up, clutching his bottle to his chest. "It's me, Eddie Carr!"

"Yeah, I'm not gonna pretend I know you, we hardly spent any time together, remember? It was like, one chapter."

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, anyway, no one expected you to come back. Last we heard you had gone into orchid planting."

"Well, you heard wrong. Have you been here all these years?"

"Yeah, dude, King Pam wouldn't let us leave. You remember Pam?"

"Frankly, no, but I'll nod." He nodded.

"She took over the place, had a sex change, then became gay."

"So, what does that make her?"

"Him. A straight him. Spotty is her queen. He's the one on a skateboard."

"Fabulous." Said Billy. 'Can we go now?"

"No! What happened to Sparky?"

"Dunno. Humans and dinosaurs split off, 'cept Timmy and SpDotty, who went to live in Milan. I'm told they own a chain of dinosaur sex shops."

Alan nodded, completely understanding.

"I must find Sparky."


	6. Muldoon & Kibblespit Enterprises

Chapter 6

Alan and Billy went a-searching some more for signs of life, when they came across a shop filled with dinosaur merchandise. It all looked fairly new, T-shirts, jumpers, even underwear bearing pictures of Alan's face, and Sparky's and slogans saying 'Will they ever get together?"

Alan retched, it was like someone had filmed his life and was making money out of his pain to put in a soap on TV. He ran to the cash register, and saw people actually came here, risked getting eaten and bought his stuff.

Then, all anger subsided.

"I'm famous!" he rolled around in his merchandise, jumping up and down, and played a video of a scene from 'The Lost Perv'. He grabbed some popcorn (there was some) and laughed when Ellie died.

Billy sat on the cash register, raising a non-existent budgie eyebrow.

"This is sick, Alan, someone is making money."

"BUT I'M FAMOUS!"

"Yes, because that's the important thing…"

Suddenly a very dapper looking Robert Muldoon strolled in, smoking a money cigar made of real money. He was dressed in his usual hunting attire, but it was not that usual. It was made from money.

"Mornin' Alan." He said as though the most casual thing in the world. "How are things?"

"Robert! It's you! You've been selling these tapes and stuff."

"Yeah, Muldoon & Kibblespit Enterprises really took off. We sold several series Channel 4, and now it's almost as overly repeated as Friends!"

"Wow, am I that interesting?"

"Nah, Sparky's the new pin up. He always has been. The fame went to his head though. Ah well, Muldoon & Kibblespit Enterprises is all I care about. You remember Sir Kibblespit?"

A small but rich compy entered the room reading a newspaper. He gave Alan a glance, then jumped on the counter.

"So, you want to do another series Grant?"

"What? I've been out of your lives for years you can't expect me to just-WOAH!"

Bob brandished a money dinosaur figurine, and Alan played with it for hours while the other two spoke with Billy.

"So…where can we find this Sparky…?" asked Billy, eyeing up the alluring poster of Sparky on the wall.


	7. PAs & Icelandic Donkeys

Chapter 7 

Sparky was lying on a velvet cushion, having a manicure done by Oojamafleb. Oojamafleb was an Icelandic donkey, renowned in Sparky's mind as being the best damn manicurist ever.

"Spar-KEY wants some more fajitas!"

And he sure as hell got those fajitas.

He was living in a bachelor pad in the science museum, and was plagued by fans every day. When he didn't like them, he made King Pam eat them, who was happy to, as her appetite had grown considerably since she married Spotty, and they had raw animal lovin' every half an hour.

Lady Pittlewit Kibblespit, his PA and close friend, walked in with an electronic organiser pad thing in her claws. She had given up therapy after having no clients but Pam, and when Pam had her sex change and became happy and a man, Lady Kibblespit was fresh out of business.

"Sparky, dear, I just had an email from my cousin, Sir Kibblespit, he says and 'Alan Grant' is back in the Museum."

Sparky sat up, knocking Oojamafleb far far away, back to Iceland.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAWWWWWW…"

"Alan? Sparky's Alan?" tears fell down his sweet, scaly, reptilian cheeks, and he put on his snake-skin coat (it was his fourth cousin, twice removed).

"Where are you going?" Lady Kibblespit was shocked. Sparky NEVER missed a manicure.

"I MUST FIND ALAN!"

"Great, then I'll come with you. Let me just get my birth control pills."

A minute later, they were off.


	8. Transexuals & Hugs

**Chapter 8 **

**_Note: Ooooooooh you didn't think it was coming did ya? Me neither. I'm just bored, and trying to ignore my doggie._**

Bob Muldoon and Sir Kibblespit were discussing money as they lit more money cigars and led Alan and Billy through the visitor centre and to the outside of the park.

Alan stepped outside and old memories came flying back into his head.

'Ow, damn memories.' He said, rubbing his forehead.

Billy frowned. 'I don't like the look of this. Also, my wings are tired, can I sit on your shoulder?'

Alan nodded, secretly liking the feel of an animal against his neck, and the soft nibbling from Billy of Alan's ear aroused him no end…

Bob turned around. 'See, Alan, we were planning to make a film, if we didn't find you we were gonna get Sam Neill to play you. He was up for it, you know…wrote us a letter and everything…but then not many would pass up the chance to meet Sparky. Wouldn't this just be the most fantastic landscape? Tall trees, dinosaurs running around killing other dinosaurs, and oh of course, Pam over there.' He waved at Pam's head, which was sticking out of a bunch of trees.

Pam smiled, and trampled over to them. She was still fairly large, but only in height. Her body was freakishly thin, but her head overly large as per usual. However, instead of the usual bikini she was now a he, and wearing jeans and a jacket.

'Hey dudes, wassup?' his/her voice was scarily low.

'My god, that's sick and wrong.' Exclaimed Alan, not being able to control himself.

Pam stared and him, and grinned. 'Mate, it's Alan, man how have you been?' she/he wrapped him in a bear hug, Alan screaming his head off in fear and disgust.

When she finally let him go, he panted, confused at whether they had met before either (people just seemed to 'know' him, these days) and asked:

'Have you seen Sparky?'

'Sparky, hell yeah, mate he went down to the pub with his crew and pulled some fit birds, innit.'

Alan blinked.

Pam coughed. 'Sorry, mate, bit of me head, you know…I think he went that way.'

She pointed in some random direction, but knowing they had nowhere else to go…they went.


	9. Cameras & Arguments

**Chapter 9**

**_Note: Two in one day? Woah, you lucky, LUCKY things…_**

The four were walking, well three were walking and one was flying/sitting on Alan's shoulder, when they realised they were incredibly lost.

'See, Muldoon, this is why we never leave the building.'

'Yes, but if we get Alan and Sparky back together, the reunion show will make us MILLIONS!' Bob's eyes shined, small pound signs gleaming in his pupils. He whipped out a portable video camera from his pocket, ready to film the slightest twist in Alan's quest to get back to Sparky.

Suddenly, he had his chance…kinda.

Billy was frustrated.

'Alan, this is hopeless, we followed a drunken transexual dinosaur she-male! Can we go back to the Visitor centre, where at least there may be food.'

'Awwwwww but Billy, this is the only chance I have…I didn't leave things very well with Sparky.'

'And whose fault is that? It's your own cowardliness, and inability to show feelings toward anyone…you've been my friend for 3 years and I've never had a hug.'

'YOU'RE A BUDGIE'

Bob was filming this all greedily, when he saw Sir Kibblespit staring at him, confused.

'How are you STILL not dead?'

'Oh shut up already!' Muldoon threw the camera down, annoyed.

Meanwhile, Billy had flown off in a mood.

Bob scowled. 'See, you made me miss that!'


	10. Spotty & Voldemort?

**Chapter 10**

**_Note: three in one day! dear jebus, something must have happened to me_**

Sparky was soaring along in his private jet, Laby Kibblespit at his side. He was staring at his pocket sized picture of Alan, stroking that sweet red neckerchief, and those oversized sunglasses…

"I miss Alan." He sighed.

"Hmm, quite, yes, but thanks to him you have all your millions." Said Lady Kibblespit. She took out a cigar and lit it, choking on the fumes. She handed Sparky one, and they sat, choking together, as they both only smoked to look cool.

Suddenly the jet spiralled out of control, and landed in a huge nest.

"Oh oh…" Sparky moaned. They were at King Pam's 'throne' room. "Wait, there's Spotty!"

Spotty, the half frozen cousin/brother (I can't remember which) of Sparky wheeled up to meet them, on his diamond encrusted skateboard. He had a permanent grin on his face, caused by his overly satisfying sex life.

'Hmm, yes well you talk and I'll go find help.' Lady Kibblespit walked off.

"Hey bro, how's film star life treatin' you?" Spotty asked.

Sparky shrugged, and picked at his perfectly manicured nails. He put his sunglasses (worn only to look cool, as is Sparky's main goal) on the top of his head and sighed.

'Oh, you know, can't complain…though I bought some diamond earrings two days ago and they're sooooo not 4 carat!'

'Wow, Sparky, you're a lot more articulate than usual…no speaking in third person?'

'No, not for me, that's so not cool anymore. Anyway, now people watch the series of me, it's so cliché.'

Suddenly! Yes quite. Suddenly, a bird flew in from nowhere, and landed on the floor, panting wildly. It was a beautiful blue budgie, probably called Billy.

'God, I'm…not as…fit as I…used to be…' Billy stammered.

'Who are you?' Sparky frowned at the bird, who stuck out his wing for Sparky to shake.

'Billy. And I suppose you're Sparky…I'm Alan's roommate. He's here, coming to find you.'

Sparky froze.

'What? He's close? WHERE TELL ME WHERE?'

'Calm down, Pam pointed him in that direction…she was drunk I think.'

'On lurrrrve!' Spotty grinned.

'Over there? But that's where Tony lives! And he became a sadistic Voldemort follower!'

**_Note: I must add: GAH? I was reading the end of the last story and I ealised I never explained where Tony went…teehee…I can't even remember my own characters…_**

'Damn' said Billy. 'Let's go rescue him.'


	11. Money & More Money

Chapter 11

Sir Kibblespit had picked up the video camera and started filming again. Alan and Bob hadn't stopped bickering since Billy had flown off, and Kibblespit knew this would make a killer second series for the Alan and Sparky show.

'Why couldn't you just leave me alone for once, I was happy living alone with Billy, repressing all my darkest feelings for everything, and living a completely unfulfilled life!'

'Well, Alan, as much as I'd like to encourage this bottling up of emotions, I really think it'd do you some good to just talk to Sparky, you know, just for a minute…'

'Or amybe half an hour every Saturday evening.' Interjected Kibblespit.

'SO that's all I am to you? A way to make money?!' Alan couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Bob and Kibblespit looked at each other, confused.

'You…you don't want to make money?'

Alan slapped a hand to his forehead. 'Of course I don't' he said through gritted teeth. 'I'm a bloody paleontologist! Well I was, before I developed that dinosaur fear.'

'Sparky loves his new life. I think you'd be very happy with what we had to offer you. If you'd only give us a chance'

Alan sighed. He would never get through to them. And he had never felt so uncomfortable, knowing he was in the same city as Sparky for the first time in so long.

'Look I just want to get Billy, and get out of here. It's a no, guys.'

He started walking, but the other two weren't following him.

'Aren't you coming? I'm going after Billy.'

Bob scratched his head, trying not to look Alan directly in the eye.

'Well…you see mate…I'd rather go back to my money pile if you're not gonna join us.'

Alan turned to Kibblespit. 'And you?'

'Yeah, I like money too much. Have a safe trip!' and he and Bob departed, back to the Visitor Centre.

'Unbelievable' Alan said, under his breath, and journied onwards.


End file.
